Desperation

Have u ever loved somebody so much it makes u cry? Have u ever needed something so bad u can't sleep at night? have u ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right? Have you ever? Have you ever?

That's from one of my favorite artistes; Brandy. Am sure each and ev'ry one of us have had one of those moments. Momens where u ask ursef if u're doing,done or said the right thing, if u made the right decision, or taken the right step.

I'll be twenty-two next thursday, and i've found myself asking myself those questions. Funny isn't it? While in high school, i had great hopes and dreams about what i wanted to be, where i wanted to be and who i wanted to be.

It didn't occur to me that i'd have to tackle with betrayals, struggles, temptations and trials plus so much more. I was an innocent in every sense of the word. All i knew how to do best was read. I'd go to classes everyday with a copy of Diane Castell, Nora Roberts or any romantic novel i can lay my hands on. Whenever a lecture's going on i'd makes sure my novel is in the middle of my notebook or textbook. I'll be reading at the sametime avoiding being caught.

I had no idea that fews years from then i'd fail my exams ,my younger sis would be impregnated by an irresponsible tenage boy or that my parents would threaten to disown me for not supporting them in advising my sis to get married to a man old enough to be her grandfather because of "money problems" her to the pregnancy.

I've really come a long way. I can't say i've been able to survive this alone. I've had the lord on my side in every battle i've fought, friends who i turn to; who'd listen to me and feel helpless 'cos they think they can't do anything. what they don't know is that by listening they are doing much more than they can ever imagine.

I got a job against the will of my dad. Re-wrote my exams, passed it and went on to pick a form in a tertiary institution.

I've started school now. It's taking a whole lot from me and my dad's still not pleased. I used to care about what he thinks and what he says or what people'll say but i've stopped all that. I live my life the way i want it. He called this morning. He wants me to put my education on hold and start supporting the family. Should i listen to him? should i put my education on hold? If i had listened to him before would i be where i am today? These quetions' been running through my head all morning. All i could think was "he's doing it again" I won't give in.

The other day i was so desperate, cos i felt i've not tried enough, done enough. I was so close to loosing my morales and sanity(people still think i am). That's when depression sets in. Desperation leads to depression. Depression is one of the worst states anyone can be in 'cos it leads to death.

I've come close to that so many times. When i do, somthing pulls me back; telling me his grace is enough for me, that there is time and life yet, and when there's life there's hope.

I was born on a Wednesday so i've got an adventurer's spirit. I jump at any opportunity i get and i've few of them i'd like to record them by blogging it. I labelled this "My escapades" Am gonna be writing about my daily experiences; at home, at work and with men. Each day i see new, weird and exciting things. A day may either lighten or ruin my week.

Sit back and enjoy!